Dear lobster.
It has been hard for me to continue writing. I'm trying not to focus on you and us. Out of respect of what you have said. So I just don't know what to say. Today we ran into eachother. Unexpectedly you gave me a ride and I couldn't express how much I appreciated it. I have been hurting of shin splints and wasn't looking forward to walking. It was awesome timing and I am so thankful.
Love you always. BG
Dear lobster,
My faith is strangthened. It has been a rough couple of days and I have questioned so much but at the end of the day I know. God is in control.
I have started to focus on him more this past week. Getting to know him and seeing what he has for me. Doesn't change how I feel about you I just know you are going through what your choosing to and to stew on it would only drive me in the jealous car to insane.
I think about you all day. You are very much in my heart. You will always be my heart.
Love you always. BG
Dear lobster,
There are often days when I just want to give up. Not because I don't love you but because it is hard. I will fail everyday, but I will continue to get up and try again. That is because I love you.
Always will.
BG
Dear lobster,
This much I know is true. Nothing you say or do is going to cause me not to love you or forgive you. You want to hurt me, I was hurt a long time ago, so the things you are doing are only hurting yourself. I feel freed, to be honest. Knowing exactly what you do helps me forgive exactly what you've done. I still feel like I don't know anything. I pray God gives me the strength to continue that until he fills me with what I should know. As for you, I love you. I also pray for you, really pray. Not some kind of save him from himself prayer but from my heart knowing you well.
I'll love you always. BG
Dear lobster,
I miss you. I feel so out of place and falling hard into the unknown. I miss your presents in my life.
BG
I don't know anymore. I know you don't love me. I know you don't want me. And I don't know how I feel. Do I love you? Deeply! I would do anything to make our marriage work. But I don't know if you'll ever love me again. I don't know anymore.
I love you always. BG <3
Dear lobster,
It was a long day. You don't even know the mood change since you saw the kids. Beans was going on and on about how big you make her heart feel. Boywonder is excited for the library. Practicing his reading just for you. I hope you can see this choice has the worst effect on them.
Love you always. BG <3
Dear lobster,
I wish I could explain all that is happening in me. I was so scared to be happy before. Scared of my mother. You know how it is because I became like her to you. I am so sorry.
It was a good week. Both the kids are adjusting. They miss you.
Love you always. BG <3
Soft and Sensitive
In the verse for today, God promises to replace hearts of stone with hearts of flesh. In other words, He can transform a hard-hearted person into a softhearted, sensitive person.
When we give our lives to God, He puts a sense of right and wrong deep within our conscience. But if we rebel against our conscience too many times, we can become hard-hearted. If that happens, we need to let God soften our hearts so that we can be spiritually sensitive to the leadership of the Holy Spirit.
I was very hard-hearted before I began really fellowshipping with God. Being in His presence regularly softened my heart and made me much more sensitive to His voice. Without a heart sensitive to the touch of God, we will not recognize many of the times He is speaking to us. He speaks gently, in a still, small voice, or with gentle conviction about a matter.
A hard-hearted person is also in danger of hurting other people and not even being aware that they are doing so, and this grieves the heart of God. Those who are hard-hearted and busy "doing their own thing" will not be sensitive to God's will or voice. God wants to soften our hearts with His Word, because a hardened heart cannot hear His voice or receive the other many blessings He longs to give.
God's word for you today: Keep your heart soft and sensitive to God's voice.
Ezekiel 11:19 GNTD
19 I will give them a new heart and a new mind. I will take away their stubborn heart of stone and will give them an obedient heart.
From the book Hearing from God Each Morning by Joyce Meyer. Copyright 2010 by Joyce Meyer. Published by FaithWords. All rights reserved.
Dear lobster,
It is hard to have faith sometimes. I know God is who he says he is. But I wonder if you'll ever let down your guard. I broke your trust. I hurt your heart and I can't take it back. I am so ashamed. But I do love you. So much. You are precious in my life and I wish I would have been healthier to take care of you.
I realized this week how abusive my parents house was. It was a rude awakening and I feel like it is my fault. Maybe I could have been better. I am out of there now. Thank God. But it has been hard to wash off the effects. I don't know how to just be. I have spent the last five years asking them what the weather was and how I should feel about it and now it is like a shock to the system to do it on my own.
I don't excuse my behavior. I am learning new behavior. To be healthy.
I love you always. BG
Marriages Belong to God
There is nothing particularly sacred or holy about business contracts. When they are no longer benefiting you, you can terminate them as you please. Don’t like that lease? Don’t renew it.
People who look at marriage like a lease can’t possibly build one to last. When you are always looking at an open door behind you, you lack motivation to work through the challenges that come upon sinful people in a sinful world, and you will then miss out on the satisfaction and bonding that come from mutually conquered problems.
People who look at marriage the way they look at their business contracts imagine that they are the owners. God begs to differ. As the inventor of marriage and as the inventor of humanity itself, he dares to claim our marriages as his own. Seriously! Jesus said, “What God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6).
God would like you to see your marriage as a beautiful, valuable possession that belongs to him, like a priceless porcelain vase, but that he willing lets you hold and enjoy. If you drop it, you are not only losing out yourself, but you are smashing something that God thinks is his.
Dear lobster,
I wish I could take away everything I did. But we can't correct mistakes by going back only Learning and moving forward. I never meant to hurt you. I said some pretty powerful stuff. I hope some day you'll forgive me.
I'll always love you. BG
I have asked myself often "what would it take to salvage our marriage" the truth is, the only "salvage" I find worth the effort from our marriage.... Is us.
What it would take for me: you'd have to stop seeing your mistress. Because fact is, your a married man and that's all she is. You'd have to try to make it work. Let's face it, we have a lot to overcome. All I need is effort. Councelling, be Christian or secular. We need support. We tried to do it all on our own. We can't do it of our own understanding or we end up in the same place.
I love you always. BG <3
Dear lobster,
I can't get you off my mind. I wish it were easy and I could just turn it off but the truth is, its not. I'm trying to move forward. Listen to God and make the best choices. I just wish it was still you and me against the world.
Love you always. BG <3
God Speaks in Many Ways
In the verse for today, God declares that He speaks, and when He does, He speaks in righteousness. We can always depend on what He says to be right. God speaks to us in many ways that include but are not limited to: His Word, nature, people, circumstances, peace, wisdom, supernatural intervention, dreams, visions, and what some call "the inner witness," which is best described as a "knowing" deep inside our hearts. He also speaks in what the Bible calls a "still, small voice," which I believe also refers to the inner witness.
God also speaks through the conscience, through our desires, and in an audible voice, but always remember that when He speaks, what He says is always right and it never disagrees with His written Word. We rarely hear God's audible voice, though it does happen. I have heard His audible voice three or four times over the course of my life. On two of these occasions, I was sleeping and His voice awakened me by simply calling my name. All I heard was "Joyce," but I knew God was speaking. He did not say what He wanted, but I knew instinctively that He was calling me to do something special for Him, although clarity did not come in that area for several years.
I want to encourage you to ask God to help you hear His voice in any way He chooses to speak to you. He loves you; He has good plans for your life; and He wants to talk to you about these things.
God's word for you today: God speaks in many ways; just remember - He will never contradict the Bible.
From the book Hearing from God Each Morning by Joyce Meyer. Copyright 2010 by Joyce Meyer. Published by FaithWords. All rights reserved.
I had a really bad day. Boy and I have the flu. Full day of classes. First zumba class. =\ I really am not a good "sexual" dancer.... Haha ill be proud of that though. Walked home in the pouring rain, soaked to the bone. Saw a picture of you and her. It broke my heart. It broke me. Then we talked. You pushed for information about where the kids were. I didn't mean to make you mad, I am just really embarrest.
Why do I have so much faith in us. I keep asking of I'm in denile but it doesn't feel like that. It is, a peace.
I'll always love you. BG <3
Remember that moment, back in 2009 when you woke up and realized. Life was out of control. Reality kicked you in the face and life wasn't what you wanted.
Yeah, that. It is how I've changed deeply and continueously. I don't want a life without you. So I change. It is simple. I struggle everyday so if your looking for me to never fail then don't look at me. But I work everyday to keep the change and add anything new I find.
I told you, I make a terrible mind reader. I can't know what you think or feel without you telling me, I never could.
Dear lobster,
I have learned that forgiveness must come with repentence. You may not want to forgive me right now, but I whole heartedly repent of everything I did wrong. What I turned into no matter the influence or cause was not justified.
Sometimes it is like the world gets so loud I can't hear even my own heart of hearts. I thought I wanted things because I thought I had to want them. I couldn't see past what it looks like to what is real. But I see that either you forgive me or dont. Whichever your choice, I have repented and will deal with this daily to make sure I never fall back into the person I was acting like.
I have (and will continue) to stop any toxic thoughts and words. I have complete understand of what you are feeling. I can't hold it against you. That doesn't mean to say I am excited of the trials and tribulations we are going through, I just know, love is a lot bigger and a lot heavier then what we want to feel. It can be there again.
ill tell you, this very troubled night / that we will set things right. -Jack and Sally.
love you always. BG <3
If you took the time to look at the reason behind your feelings, could you really say it is sound. There is no way no how things could change.
Imaturity can growup.
Influences can change.
Anger subsides.
Hurts can be forgiven.
I am looking inside myself, why, why not, what is the whole hearted motives of my feelings. What I can tell you is this.
I let the world be louder than me. I always feel like majority rules and to be different is unforgiveable. In my head I would say "we can't do this" "this is wrong" but deep in my heart nothing else will ever be right.
Life goes on. I've already experienced that I can live without you. But you, will always be missing from my days. From the moments we could share and the experiences I would want with you. You aren't there. I'm not afraid to be alone. I no longer fear I can't make it without you. Those things come one step at a time. But the desire for us to reconcile will always be there.
What I need you to understand is love isn't just love. It isn't a light feeling that is good in all ways. It is an ancor that exsists. That is heavy but can bear the weight of any ship. The good feelings are there in vapor, they dance in the wind but when the road gets hard, the ancor wont move or change.
I deeply love you. Love love. Not always the good feelings love, we are human. But truely, deeply, with every fiber of my being love you.
I have faith in you.
I am proud of you.
I will always love you. BG <3
Dear lobster. I feel so conflicted. Even when I'm not thinkig about you, your on my mind. I can't escape. Nothing but life giving thoughts. I'm so proud if you!
I have faith in you
I am proud of you.
Love you always. BG <3
Long day today. So anxious ill run into you or her... I wish you'd change your mind and be here with me.
Dear lobster.
I think about you all the time. I see your missing from our lives and it pains me. I never want to live this out again. I wrote you an email, in it I expressed awe and inspiration for all you've delt with. I meant every word, but to add id say this.
"...you came back to a changed wife." As a changed man. I cannot begin to understand some of the things you've endored. We could have handled each other with a bit more maturity. Thinking we could go back to what it was, is nieve. We can't change the past. We can only choose the present and make the future.
Sin is sin, please don't take anything I'm saying as some form of judgement. I have no bench to judge from. I sinned. I do believe god protected me from sleeping around. To keep at least that pure between us. But I did my part of adultery too.
The night I went out with a friend and got in the car with a drunk driver, there was a man who wanted me to go home with him. I was so drunk I don't remember him being apart of our night or where he came from. I gave him my sob story as I did and as sober as a nun he made sure I looked him in the eye as he explained "I'm not him" and right then I knew two things. I never wanted to go home with someone not you and id never drink again. I haven't since.
It feels nice when someone gives attention. Wants us or says things we want to hear. But in the end, I will never want anyone but you.
I have faith in you.
I am proud of you.
I'll love you always. BG <3
Rough day! I can't stop thinking about you, it is like torture. You tell me your done, you hate me, you want nothing to do with me. But I'm still wondering where you are. Maybe I am in denile and I'm praying mindlessly. I just can't believe you go from loving me, to not in a week. Was there more to it? was telling me you'd never let anything or anyone come betwen us an act? Good show. But you didn't have to lie. You could have just told me your struggling, your hurting or you need change because your on your last dime. Telling me you love me and the kids, nothing between us is a far cry from on your last stand. Maybe that's why I'm confused.
There is this big part of me that wants to know when you wake up and realize this is your family going through this. You made a commitment of responcibility to be a husband and a dad. Get past the bullshit and man up.
I want to work it out. Be a better wife and partner. I just wish I could know if it will ever happen.
I will always love you. BG <3
This morning I cannot stop thinking about you. How long have you not wanted me. Were you just waiting until we got into a big fight to do this. How long would things have gone on before you talked to me. I was falling back in love and you were falling out of it and never thought to tell me?
I forgive you.
Love you always. BG
Dear lobster,
Oh darling, I miss your company. I miss laughing with you and talking to you in general. How it used to be. Watching a tv show and just being. Listening to you talk about your work, catching shoplifters and how excited you were to get promotions. We have seen some hard times and I know it was rough but in my heart I have always known you are someone important to this world. You are smart and funny with so much to offer. I miss us. I believe we could do it. I believe we could set aside everything negative or ungodly and make it work. Until then, ill be right here. Waiting for you to listen to God.
I have faith in you.
I am proud of you.
I love you always. BG <3
In your email today you told me I needed to "get my Shit together" well my love, here is my responce to that.
Dear lobster,
Yes, infact I do need to get my Shit together. I have become this awful person I don't even like, I have done awful things I didnt even want to do. I have felt blind anger for things out of our control. But let me pose this to you.
When you were in the hospital up north, your uncle made me come see you, he told me that we don't always have a reason for what we go through and we sometimes have to go it alone. But you needed me and we made a commitment to be husband and wife and parents. For better or worse.
I understand what your feeling right now. It is so nice to have someone look, feel, say things about you that you don't feel about yourself or don't get from your spouse. (That was my fail) and you think, I'm done with my marriage and I'm liking this affection/attention. But truth is, you my love need to take your own advice. You made the commitment to be a husband and father. So get your Shit together. I will be waiting, with nothing but love and forgiveness. Because I made the commitment to be your WIFE.
I have faith in you.
I am proud of you.
I will love you always. BG <3
Sometimes we have to do things alone. As much as it hurts. I understand that now. I will always love you and never give up hope god can restore our marriage.
I. Love. You. Period. BG <3
