i dont know what to say.

Today i woke up and i didn't feel the same. i wasn't hurting in the same manor i have been for the past month. maybe i've come to terms, maybe i've hit a new level of denial. or maybe i just... understand. and forgive you. When our marriage started getting crazy. i was selfish and did all the wrong things. which caused you to close up and do the things you did. When you came back around, i was convinced i was done. and i wanted to believe that i hated you and it was the better choice to go with someone else. it is a choice. but easier is not always the better choice. when i said i was done, i acted like i was done. i felt no guilt for the things i did because i said i was done. i acted like marriage didn't mean a thing. so, i understand where you are. you are done, you even said you hated me. you haven't said anything to me i haven't said to you. you think this is best, because right now, it feels like it is the only thing that can happen. then add this girl who does like you. and fits into your new friends and hobbies and it would be easier, because i dont exactly fit. i can't go out when your promoting because we have children. i am not judging but i cannot justify going out to the bar all the time. it isn't the kind of people i want to be around. to clarify people like HER. not like you. people who do thoughtless things and act like they are trying to live a good life though they have distroyed things in their path. i guess i forgive you because i know how you feel and see it differently.


Messages i have writen today:

A few days and I have honestly stepped into another... Demention it feels like. I even started praying for this girl and the kid "Lobster" lives with. I hear nothing from him, I made yet another mistake. Maybe not hearing from him is Gods way of strangthening what I'm learning. The bible says "but if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance" Rom8:25 So I am trying to take in as much as I can from some resources last night I came across Eph4:31,32 (32; let all bitterness wrath anger clamor and evil speaking be put away from you. 32; and be kind to one another tenderhearted forgiving one another as god has forgiven you.) I have made that the prayer of my heart for my husband. I understand where he is. I thought I hated him, I thought I wanted the easy new path of someone new and acted like I was already single because in my head I was "done" "Lobster" isn't saying anything I haven't said or felt before. But I know there is love under his hurt. And I know we married for the right reasons. Under all the junk there is happiness to be found.

 

i get sad. and i get mad. but even when i tried to hate "Lobster" i never could. i've gotten a lot of resources including this article "reviving a dead marriage". this man, writes basically a paralelle between getting a divorce and the story of lazarus. God waited two days, and though Mary and Martha were hurting when he came, he knew what he could do. what our marriage turned into is something that needs to be in a tomb. selfishness, bitterness, hurting. it filled so quickly and i turned to peers or myself for advice. I believe from here, things can get better. God is in control.

God is the blessed controller of ALL things. -Grandma Helen.
I have faith in you.
I am proud of you.

I will love you always. BG♥