rough day.

Dear Lobster,
i didn't want to get out of bed today. i hid underneath the blankets for two hours. luckily the kids were sleeping next to me. every morning i wake up and there are two moments that happen. one) i smile to myself and think "today he will be here soon and we will go out and about" then almost as if i fall further down the rabbit hole, i think "no, he's not coming today. he's with her" every morning, today it was just hard. then my councelor called. i thought i had missed an appointment but no, she just wanted "to see how i was doing" i explained to her how i was feeling, then started talking about how i'm trying to deal with it. at least it got me out of bed. i had running around to do. and i missed you. then i absent mindedly drove down your street. forgot until i hear our son yell "THERES DADDIES CAR!!!" they started talking about you and didn't stop all day. so i texted you. i know you wouldn't do it for me, but i had hoped maybe for them. it's hard to remember you dont want my calls or texts. i tried to make it special for them. but on the way home we got into a conversation.

Boy: mom, i know your sad. maybe you can get a new husband
Me: I love your daddy. and i dont want a new husband. i want to fix what is broken
boy: that makes sense. like i dont want my captain america to be thrown away because it's broken, it's my favorite.
Me: kinda

Girl (yells) OH MY GOD I MISS DADDY SO MUCH
Me: i know, but you have to remember that no matter what Daddy loves you so much, and when you miss him just think about how he loves you.

The conversation then got heavy. more heavy for a five year old and almost four year old should bare. we talked about praying, and wishing, and that it is ok to miss daddy, because we all miss daddy. i do not tell you this to shame you. i just want you to know, that we all are waiting and wanting for the day we can rejoice to the lord for you.

everytime i miss you i sing "rejoice in the lord allllways and again i say rejoice"
When i want to call, text or contact. i cry out "oh lord, what do YOU want me to do" and as if a man sitting in the car with me had spoken i heard "Move forward not on" i've changed your name in my phone to "Be respectful or Be silent" i will continue to use resources to improve who i am. because God has asked me to.

I have faith in you
I am proud of you

I love you always. BG ♥