Jan 2nd 2013

Dear lobster,
Today has been a "fire and ice" day. boy have i gotten so mad at you for everything. it is so easy to blame and point and shout and say I AM JUSTIFIED but at the end of the day (which is why this is always writen at the end) i have sunk enough into the word to feel positive emotions. Do i always feel love for you? no. i dont. Do i want to say i'm always "yesterday is gone" yes, but it's not. Yesterday cannot be Gone until we leave behind what we have done. i need to guard my heart, control my tongue, and respect you better. Here is what i know, if you practice the ways of the world you become the world, and if you practice any moral practice it will be second nature. i want God to be my nature, i want to love you as he loves you. i want to forgive you as he has forgiven you. and i want to honor you as he has placed on my head to honor you. let me say this. our son, woke in tears. he "wished upon the firecrackers that daddy would love mommy again" i know right now you think it is easy to walk away. i know she makes you feel the way i should have been making you feel. but walking away for health and happiness isn't going to gain you anything but a microwave dinner. the cycle i see is selfishness. in 2009 i was selfish, instead of coming to you and saying something i sought out help from friends, inturn sought out love from strangers, and ultimately broke your heart with intimacy i had no right to share with another person. in 2009 you were selfish too. instead of talking to me, you tried to convince me, sway me, command me. Now here we are again. this is not because we dont love each other and it's not because we only love ourselves. we haven't learned how to put others before our own guard. I said i was greateful that you hated me. i said you never could hate me as much as i hate myself. the things i've done has me begging God for mercy. and someday i hope you will forgive me. until then, i will forgive you everyday. i will practice 1 Cor 13:4-7 (Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things,endores all things) and change the world love to my name.

I have faith in you
I am proud of you

I love you always. BG ♥

Songs for today:
What do you want for me by adam lambert
Only the lonely by Christina Perri